Hi eyeryone...
Sorry for the lack of words in my previous posts..I think i'm having a "Post-partum depression"..The only thing is, I didn't actually give birth to a full term baby..i had an ectopic pregnancy which had to be removed last January.. i'm trying so hard to cope with the loss.. it was a planned pregnancy and i was really happy when i knew i was pregnant..
There was some bleeding and i was in so much pain, so i went to see my O&G specialist at 5weeks. He did an ultrasound but he couldn't see the gestational sac inside my uterus. And he also saw free fluid at the back of my uterus (Pouch of Douglas)..what a funny name .. the free fluid was actually blood. My uterus was thickened but the doctor still couldn't find the sac..
He did some blood tests to see my Beta Hcg level, etc..and asked me to come 3 days later.. I just rested at home, praying and hoping that my baby would be fine even though i had bad feelings about it. I had severe cramps and backache, together with all the pregnancy symptoms, and it got worse every time i travel in a car. I couldn't stand straight. My left iliac fossa was tender and swollen compared to the right.. I know this couldn't be right so i monitored every single symptom i had..
I went to see the specialist again 3 days later and he confirmed it was ectopic. He saw a gestational sac inside my left Fallopian tube.. that explains the pain and all..so i was admitted right away and had the ectopic removed immediately.
I was lucky that my Fallopian tube did not rupture because i found out i was pregnant quiet early. The doctor saved my Fallopian tube. Thanks Dr. Bee Hang Wing from KPJ Ampang Puteri Specialist Center. He saved my life TWICE. I can't thank him enough..
But then again, i know that ectopic is recurrent, and i am at risk of having another ectopic in the future. But i'm glad that i still have my uterus so there's still hope there. We can opt for IVF (in vitro fertilization) when we are ready to try for another one.. i don't know. The procedure sounds a bit scary to me..
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| Right after the surgery.. Hubby took this pic coz i was busy with the phone even though i was in pain. He finds it funny. My phone is my life. LOL |
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| A few hours after the surgery |
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| My BFF came to cheer me up..thanks love |
I'll have to admit, it was a very painful journey.. Physically and mentally.. I tried to numb myself, didn't wanna cry and i talked about it like it didn't affect me.
When i was at the hospital, the friendly nurses and medical assistants asked me "Where's your baby?". I don't blame them because i was in the maternity ward, they didn't know and thought that my baby might be in the NICU for jaundice or something. I just smiled and said "The baby's not here, yet :)"... That's the best answer i could think of. I didn't wanna make them feel bad for asking, out of curiosity and care. I know they ask because they care..
I try to keep myself busy with makeup and blogging so that i won't think much about what happened. But i guess there will be a point where i come to realize that this is reality, i will have to learn to accept it instead of avoiding it. There are 5 stages of grief and i just got through the first three. 1- Denial, 2- Anger, 3- Bargaining..now i'm at the fourth stage which is Depression and the fifth is Acceptance..
I know that everything happens for a reason. I am thankful to God that i am still alive. Redha and sabar. I accept all the challenges, obstacles and trials as gifts from God. I believe that challenges make you a stronger person.
I am vulnerable and fragile at the moment but i'm going to make it through this. Thanks for all of your support my dear friends.. You guys keep me going.
And to my Hubby, Thank You for being there for me. Thank you for the strength, support, sacrifice, love, time and effort.. I wouldn't make it this far without u.. I LOVE YOU sooo much!
Last night, Hubby wanted to make me happy and took me out for dinner.. How sweet of him..
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| Face- MAC studio Finish Concealer, Studio Fix Fluid and Studio Fix Powder. Under eye concealer set with Laura Mercier Secret Brightening Powder to get rid of my dark circles.. |
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| Sugar Bomb blush from Benefit |
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| Simple eye makeup using MAC pigments and black eyeshadow for eyeliner |
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| Lipstick from Stage in Pastel Posy and pink lipgloss from The Face Shop Pucca Limited Edition range |
Till then darlings.. Sorry for the long post..And thanks for the sweet and motivational comments from all of you..
LOVE,
Yana..
